Yes, i realize that it is 4am. I also realize that this is my 3rd blog today.... what can i say, i'm in a typing mood. I was looking back on all my blogs and realized a lot of them are kinda depressing...or make me look bad. so i've decided to come up with 5 things i love about myself and why. your thinking this is gay right... if so then skip ahead a couple of blogs for all the drama :)
1.Honesty- I am one of the most honest people i know, and i really pride myself in that. it's so easy to lie about things, but telling the truth is usually easier in the long run. you don't get tangled up in what you told this person versus what you told that person... it's all just too tiring!
2.Friendiness- I'm a great friend. I'm honest and truly loyal. i'm always there for ya... even if i don't want to be. i'm a good listener and even better talker...lol!
3.Advisor- i give good advice, actually i give great advice! ha ha! i feel like if more people listened to me then they'd be better off. that's funny coming from someone as jacked up as me...right! but for some reason i've always been able to give really good advice. the secret is- chances are the person your advising already knows the right answer.... you just have to be there to beat it into their head!
4.Forgiving- I may have trouble forgetting certian things... but i'm always the first to forgive. sometimes it's just too hard to hold a grudge, it's like lying...too time consuming!
5.Hair- OK, i had to pick one superficial quality and it is SOO my hair! I have great hair...no, i have awesome hair! the color is perfect, the bangs rock and i love the texture! i can't wait for it to be longer so i can do more with it lol!
anyway, i hope this helped to show you all i'm not so dark and misunderstood... though i try to be! :)
LOVE!!!
Friday, May 16, 2008
It was a mission statement...
I wrote this blog several months ago and had it on my myspace. i just found it and really wanted to post it on here, because even though it's form a while back i still feel like unfortunately it applies to me!
How do you change? Maybe you know you need to change and who you need to become, but how do you get from who you are to who you want to be? In my 21 years I've changed...I've evolved. from a child who was shy and insecure, to a teenager who was fun loving and hardworking, to a young adult who is often confused and kinda sad, still adventurous and wide eyed. but is it possible (for me) to force myself to change without having to wait for my next evolution?
I'm in a rut. I'm not depressed or anything...just kinda in a funk. i just feel like most the times things are either OK or sucky.
sometimes i feel like if i didn't live in btown things would be easier. i think that i would have left by now if i didn't have a reason to stay (obviously). i have only 1 reason to stay (you know who you are). I'm not upset i have a reason to stay...I'm actually quite grateful. I'm lucky to have that reason...because people like that are hard to find...I'm lucky.
so how to i change? how do i go from caring too much and being almost self destructive ... to being not as involved and living for myself. LIVING FOR MYSELF. i preach to everyone that they have to live their own life without reservations (i give advice a lot (wanted and unwanted)). yet it seems as i have no answers for myself...very frustrating.
I'm tired of bitching about the same things every day. I'm tired of putting myself in positions and situations i know better than to put myself in. I'm tired of being lied to. I'm tired of being treated like a child. I'm tired of acting like a child. I'm tired of pretending like things will change. I'm tired of pretending like i can make people change. I'm tired of feeling bad for myself.
but most of all I'm tired of pretending like one day the people i love will look up and realize that I'm more important than the alcohol, the drugs, and the hookups. that if i try one more time or give one more speech or make one more phone call it'll make a difference. that one day they'll realize everything they've done wrong and change it. that one day...they'll be there because they WANT to.
that's an awful lot to ask for...and maybe it's a little selfish. but this is my blog and i can write what i want.
anyway, maybe today's the day...maybe today will be different. i picked a hell of a day to want to change. if you know me...you know why. things have to change, because if they keep going I'm afraid I'll loose any trace of the funny, caring, goofy, adventurous, wide eyed, laid back, hardworking girl inside of me.
so tell me how to change... I'll take anything!
love!!!
How do you change? Maybe you know you need to change and who you need to become, but how do you get from who you are to who you want to be? In my 21 years I've changed...I've evolved. from a child who was shy and insecure, to a teenager who was fun loving and hardworking, to a young adult who is often confused and kinda sad, still adventurous and wide eyed. but is it possible (for me) to force myself to change without having to wait for my next evolution?
I'm in a rut. I'm not depressed or anything...just kinda in a funk. i just feel like most the times things are either OK or sucky.
sometimes i feel like if i didn't live in btown things would be easier. i think that i would have left by now if i didn't have a reason to stay (obviously). i have only 1 reason to stay (you know who you are). I'm not upset i have a reason to stay...I'm actually quite grateful. I'm lucky to have that reason...because people like that are hard to find...I'm lucky.
so how to i change? how do i go from caring too much and being almost self destructive ... to being not as involved and living for myself. LIVING FOR MYSELF. i preach to everyone that they have to live their own life without reservations (i give advice a lot (wanted and unwanted)). yet it seems as i have no answers for myself...very frustrating.
I'm tired of bitching about the same things every day. I'm tired of putting myself in positions and situations i know better than to put myself in. I'm tired of being lied to. I'm tired of being treated like a child. I'm tired of acting like a child. I'm tired of pretending like things will change. I'm tired of pretending like i can make people change. I'm tired of feeling bad for myself.
but most of all I'm tired of pretending like one day the people i love will look up and realize that I'm more important than the alcohol, the drugs, and the hookups. that if i try one more time or give one more speech or make one more phone call it'll make a difference. that one day they'll realize everything they've done wrong and change it. that one day...they'll be there because they WANT to.
that's an awful lot to ask for...and maybe it's a little selfish. but this is my blog and i can write what i want.
anyway, maybe today's the day...maybe today will be different. i picked a hell of a day to want to change. if you know me...you know why. things have to change, because if they keep going I'm afraid I'll loose any trace of the funny, caring, goofy, adventurous, wide eyed, laid back, hardworking girl inside of me.
so tell me how to change... I'll take anything!
love!!!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Rocks in my Shoes...
Sorry it's been so long. I'm sitting here on the floor of my old bedroom at my moms house. Still looking for a job, still looking for a place to live. Sunday I'm looking at a place though that has a lot of potential, so that's exciting. it's hard for me to find a place cause i know I'm most likely gonna have to settle for some one bedroom tiny ass apartment that I'm gonna hate. id love to be in Nashville in my dream loft with hardwood floors and brick walls, and of course stainless steel appliances. I've never wanted to live in the city until i discovered lofts! they are amazing! i love the rundown vacant warehouse look on the outside and the luxury artsy feel of the actual lofts! I'm just as picky when it comes to a job too! one day i wanna be a teacher, the next a social worker, then i want to work in the medical field, or be a real estate agent or an assassin or cowgirl! I'm 21, i don't know what i want to do for the rest of my life?! i still say cool beans, people who say cool beans aren't ready to make career choices! i know i don't have to pick the job I'm gonna have forever, or the place I'll raise my children or be with the guy I'm gonna marry... but i just wanna cut through the trial and error shit and just automatically be grown up, is that so wrong? ha ha, right there ya can see the laziness just a shinin' through!
what else is there???
I'm starting summer school soon, I'm excited for that maybe a new road will lead me where i need to be. the hard part is just following through with it...guess we'll see!
for now all is drama free...just stressfull. so many things ending and so many new beggings ahead... it''s all a bit overwhelming!
LOVE!!!
what else is there???
I'm starting summer school soon, I'm excited for that maybe a new road will lead me where i need to be. the hard part is just following through with it...guess we'll see!
for now all is drama free...just stressfull. so many things ending and so many new beggings ahead... it''s all a bit overwhelming!
LOVE!!!
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